why you deserve to be alive

To the person sitting alone in front of their computer,

Over the short 19 years of my life, I have come to the realization that almost all of us will most likely find ourselves in this position at some point during our existence. We live in a world where everyone owns a pixelated screen of some form, where at the touch of a button or the click of a mouse we have access to videos ranging from viral to television shows to pirated movies.

This access means that content such as 13 Reasons Why is right in our faces. The intention of these shows is to raise awareness - and I agree that these topics need to be discussed openly - however, I still don't see anyone talking.

I'm sure everyone has heard the phrase 'Don't be sad, someone has it worse than you.' And while the aim of the statement is obviously positive and encourages a sense of gratitude, I believe that it can be more damaging than helpful.

At the times in my life in which I have heard these words, I have been filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt.

Why should I be alive?

Why should I, out of all the billions of people in this world, live the privileged life I do while so many people suffer? Why should I have the opportunity to study, to dream, to achieve my goals when a person with twice the potential I possess does not? Why do I deserve to be alive when I have contributed nothing to the world but pollution and plastic waste and just a handful of kindness?

I don't deserve this privilege and this opportunity when someone who is much less fortunate than me could have done so much more had they possessed the chance. I don't feel lucky, or even grateful, but instead I feel a weight on my chest, that I'm not good enough and the urge to be alive has slowly dissipated.

If you google the word 'suicide', approximately 311 million results come up. It astounds me how many lifelines are accessible and how many articles sharing that a young or old person has ended their life via suicide. The titles read, "Promising Young Woman Ends Life Due to Bullying", or "Another Life Lost to Suicide" - but these lives have not been lost because of a bully or because of an unhappiness.

No one really wants to die.

Just sometimes they don't want to be alive. Sometimes, I, just feel so scared.

Living with anxiety is like constantly switching between HARD and IMPOSSIBLE mode on a video game. The smallest task can break you; too many things are happening at once; there have been countless times I have had to leave a room because the sounds of typing

and talking

and electricity

and traffic

and breathing

and footsteps

and doors

and music

and videos

and thinking

and worrying

and the whole world

send my heart into overdrive.

My life has been filled with so much beauty. I really am incredibly lucky. I have two parents that love each other, have had amazing teachers who have pushed me and inspired me, and I have found a career in which I hope I can give back and spread good into the world.

I have never failed to recognise that. It's just that I sometimes want all the noises to stop.

To the person reading this, the person who understands first-hand - you're not alone. You're heard.

Something that I would like to point out is that if you google 'hope' more than 7 times the number of results than 'suicide' appear - and yet, this 'hope' and light that is present in our world is not spread around. So many people suffer and struggle with mental illnesses each day.

SO TO THE PERSON READING THIS,

the one that doesn't have enough hope to get them through until tomorrow:

You deserve to be alive.

You deserve to be alive because so many people would trade anything for this gift, and you have it.

Because the gift of life is not something you have to earn, your existence is something of a miracle and regardless of whether you believe in religion or an overlooking power, it has been given to you to use and you deserve to have that opportunity.

Open yourself up to life - look for that light! There is so much the world has to offer and if you give yourself another day, even just one more day, you will gain so very much.

You deserve to be alive because you are not your past nor your future.

Our existences do not make sense if we do not live. This inner desire to mean something, to be something is what makes us human and our purpose is to take in our world with wonder and amazement, and contribute to the hope we see around us the best we can.

You deserve to be alive because the urge you have not to be is fear and fear does not define you.

If you give up, if you don't see tomorrow then you might not have to experience the pain you are so tired of feeling, but you'll also miss out on so many great things that the day holds.

You; I deserve to be alive because nothing, nothing, is ever so broken that it cannot be fixed.

The kindness that I have spread into the world across my 19 years is miniscule in comparison to the impact of war and poverty. I can't change the world alone.

But if I can change just one person's perception of the world, and give them a little more light, then that's change.

I have always been the adrenaline-seeking junkie who jumps out of planes and off cliffs and lives for the feeling of falling. I have never been afraid to die.

But now, I'm not afraid to live.

Be brave.

Love, Monty x