the love that I deserve - a summary of my 2022

On the 31st of December 2021, I was sitting in a campsite on Flinders Island, surrounded by people who made me feel unsafe, unwanted, and unloved.

I remember sitting in a circle, watching them inhale various substances I didn’t feel safe putting into my body, with my boyfriend’s back to me and his hands massaging the shoulders of another girl.

I remember feeling alone; a pit in my stomach, and staring up at the night sky with tears in my eyes, thinking that this was not the way I envisioned my year ending.

But as I sat there, alone, I stared up at the sky, and the universe sent me a gift.

A shooting star, there and gone before I knew it.

I remember closing my eyes, and with desperation – I made a wish.

“I wish that next year, in 2022, I will finally receive the love that I deserve.”

And so I left Flinders Island, arrived safely back home, and after telling my friends about all I had endured – and them telling me I was a complete idiot for tolerating it this long – I finally made the decision to end my relationship.

This was the start of my 2022. The start of my journey to finding the love I deserved.

Spoiler alert – I found it.

My 2022: a year of lessons

This year marked the end of my medical degree and my transition from medical student to medical professional. It has been a year of steep learning curves and continual growth, in more ways than one.

Throughout 2022 I have adapted to the world around me – I became more thick-skinned, less optimistic, and less naïve.

I learned to cut off those who do not add joy or value into my life, and prioritise those who prioritise me. I love myself more than I ever have, and I love my friends more than I ever will, and the concept of a future completely defined by what I want is exhilarating.

Now that I finally have the time to sit and reflect before my graduation, I am beginning to understand the lessons life has taught me this year – and I would like to share them with you.

LESSON ONE: I am a privilege, not a burden

Turns out, I have a terrible habit of letting others treat me poorly.

I let those I cared about use my flaws as an excuse to treat me like an inconvenience, a waste of time and a second-hand citizen. As someone who sees the best in people, I have previously taken others’ dislike for me as an assassination of my character or evidence that I’m a terrible person.

I once resented these people for not returning the respect I gave to them – but now, I understand that their actions were a result of the behaviour I accepted.

I now understand that the narcissistic qualities that others show, such as

inflated ego,

lack of empathy,

lack of boundaries,

lack of self-awareness, and

disregard for others

are not a result of my shortcomings – but rather a marker of my own strength, for persisting amongst them.

My love for others is a strength of mine, and my ability to love despite the pain they cause me is a rare, beautiful gift.

But where I previously loved and accepted the flaws of others, I did not forgive my own.

I am now okay with the ‘bad’ parts of myself, and am proud of the good ones.

The love I once sought from others I now give to myself.

LESSON TWO: Demons are resilient

My mental health took a drastic turn for the worse this year. I had (and am continuing to have) multiple depressive episodes and worsening of my anxiety.

In March this year, I had a relapse of my eating disorder, which is still in the process of resolving.

While I did not restart the bingeing or purging behaviours I once held, my body dysmorphia and constant obsessive thoughts regarding my body, my weight, and my appearance became all-consuming once again, to the point that I was almost fainting in every boxing class due to low-blood sugar and iron.

With every piece of my being, I am so grateful to my friends and family (you know who you are) who supported me with complete love and acceptance for who I am. They loved me wholeheartedly when I did not have enough love for myself, and helped me to remember how valuable my body is and what it can do.

To those that loved me and cared for me, without judgement, irritation or resentment – thank you.

You helped me save myself.

LESSON THREE: It’s good to be scared

Fear is a close friend of mine.

Since my late teens, I have worked in an adventure park, taking young children and adults alike on ziplines, cliff-jumps and rock-climbing off cliffs. I now come to the end of this chapter, and my reflection on my time spent here is taking up much of my time.

A common scenario I encounter are people afraid of heights, trying their best to conquer the 20m cliff jump. They are shaky, but so determined, and it has been a privilege to stand with them and support them at the edge.

As I have always told these shaky customers: “Being scared is normal – just do it anyway.”

Becoming comfortable with fear is essential in our path to freedom, whether it’s

Leaving a partner who doesn’t treat you well

Cutting off a friend who talks behind your back

Or jumping off a cliff

These are all terrifying things. Do them anyway.

FINAL LESSON: Compassion is a superpower

In the words of George Eliot, “What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for one another?”

I have always struggled with the knowledge that others in our world are suffering. I feel the desire to reach out, to lessen the pain of others – this drew me toward healthcare. We as human beings have all suffered in some way. It is through this shared suffering that we feel empathy, and the desire to help others.

My most recent ex told me earlier this year that being compassionate and caring was just a ‘woman’s instinct’. He told me that it was harder for men to be caring, just as it is harder for a male lion to love his children than it is for the lioness.

Sorry – but that’s bullshit.

To insinuate that compassion is a weakness and simply part of being a woman, is to belittle the strength, energy, selflessness, and resilience that it takes to love.

Being compassionate is hard. It takes every piece of humanity that I have. It is painful; it sucks the life out of you.

But I am proud of my humanity. It makes me who I am. People are everything to me.

Now entering the healthcare system, my fellow doctors and I are given the task of siphoning the suffering of others to alleviate them. We are healers – laboured with the protecting of our patients in their most vulnerable, harrowing moments.

This is a privilege – but also, in many ways, a huge burden.

I have come to accept that working in healthcare is going to be painful and difficult, because we are continually exposed to the affliction and powerlessness of all our patients.

This pain is why it is so challenging – but also, why it is so terribly rewarding.

In summary

The year of 2022 brought many lessons – even if not the ones I expected.

More than that – 2022 made all my wishes come true.

I wished last New Year’s Eve for the love that I deserved.

But I never imagined that love might come from me.

Best wishes for the start of the end of 2022.

luyiti-mapali (lots of love),

Dr Monty x